Equality, Humility, and Other Fine Things

"Nobody cares how smart you are -- they care how willing you are to treat them like equals."
                                                                                      -Holly Lisle

Yes, I think I'm better than you. It doesn't really matter who you are, it's safe to assume that this is the case.

I'm sorry. I know it's not true, somewhere, but still I think it.

Yes. It's an issue. One of many -- don't worry, I'm not about to be perfect anytime soon. Unfortunately, it takes me a while to get around to noticing these issues -- at least, it seems like a while to me. And even when I do notice them, it doesn't mean I'm able to fix it.

It's this...pretension, delusion of grandeur, self-importance, pride, etc. that really prevents me from writing, in several forms.

I can't write in private, because I'm trying so hard to be better than I actually am.
I can't write here in public, because I'm so afraid of revealing to the world that I'm so damned pathetic.

It's not the time, or the inspiration, or anything like that. Not really, at least.

Nope. It's pride.



I mean, how hard is it to jot down a few thoughts each day about life, writing, etc.? Not very. I could be posting here once a day without a problem. I spend hours each day sitting at my desk at work reading other meaningless internet crap (or, you know, doing actual work on occasion) that I could easily take a few minutes to say "hey, here's what's going on...here's what I'm thinking...here's something I think is worth reading...etc."

But that, as I'm sure you're all thinking right now, is only half of the issue.

There's also this problem I have about other people. I don't think I'm very good at being a people person. I could be, I suppose. But I'm always so focused on being "smart" that I don't take time to...well, just "be."

Read the above post by Holly Lisle (just started reading some of her blog again; good stuff). That part where she talks about the folks who are only ever thinking about "the next clever witticism" instead of listening and engaging with a group? Yeah, that's me a lot of the time. Especially in groups. Especially in class. I like to think that I don't treat my friends -- my few, close friends -- this way, but I can never be too sure.

I could talk on and on about this, and approach it from a variety of different angles. But I won't. There's something more important that I need to do.

Ahem.

Hey, everybody. Um, for all of you who think I'm looking down on you, or that I don't respect your thoughts and opinions, or that I'm only spending time with you because one of my actual friends is here...

For all of you who think I'm judging you...

For all of you who I am consistently terse, formal, and cold toward...

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I wish I could say that this is an epiphany for me; I wish I could say that, tomorrow morning when you see me at work or tomorrow evening when you see me about town, things will be different. I wish I could say that I'm about to start treating all of you equally -- giving each an every one of you my attention and respect, as individuals and as human beings.

But I can't make that promise. I can try to be better. But I'll never be perfect.

Again, I'm sorry.

...

Now. For all of you who might think this is a pathetic grab for attention.

1. I'm not in middle school or even high school; heck, I'm hardly even in college anymore at this point.
2. This isn't Myspace or Facebook.
3. No one reads this blog anyway, so it'd be a pretty ineffective grab, at best.

That's all I have to say about that.

...

For my future friends and readers, if this somehow gets dug up in your archaeological excavation of my older posts, I hope that you can look on this and see a man who was, instead of one who is.

(Damn. I still sound full of myself! *sigh*)

Right. Well...I think I'll stop there. Not much else to say without, y'know, rambling, like I do.

Until next time...
-josh k.